How to deal with Temper Tantrums in kids

How Temper Tantrums Begin
All behavior has a purpose. Behavior is a learned response to meet some need. Infants learn that crying often brings some form of relief. An infant cries for many reasons including:
1. Being hungry
2. Being over-tired and irritable
3. Having a diaper that is wet or chaffing
4. Being thwarted from doing something like grabbing your $350 pair of glasses.
5. Being made to go to bed while others are active

You can add your own causes for children crying. But, this report is not about crying in infants. It is about behavior in children that escalates crying to the level of a "melt-down".

In a temper tantrum you may see any or all of these behaviors:
1. Screaming
2. Uncontrollable crying, sobbing and difficulty getting a breath
3. Kicking
4. Hitting
5. Smashing things
6. Child throws himself on the floor
7. Child runs uncontrollably bumping into people and furniture without regard

My First Rule:
At the first sign of an impending temper tantrum EVERYTHING STOPS!
Children unconsciously use temper tantrums and the threat of throwing a temper tantrum in public to extort an action from the parent. The child throws a temper tantrum to gain attention and to cause a parent or other person to give them what they want.

Most parents are self-conscious about being seen as a "good" parent by the public. Children intuitively know this. Children also quickly pick up on the current taboo about spankings or physical touch of any kind. I've actually heard children tell their parents "Don't you dare touch me or I'll report you for child abuse".

Few parents have a tough enough skin to face the embarrassment of having one of their children throw a full out temper tantrum in a store, for example.

An effective method to put a stop to a temper tantrum is to stop what you are doing and remove the child from the situation. For example, if your are home and a child begins to throw a temper tantrum you can simply withdraw.

I worked with a smart but totally spoiled child with Aspergers Syndrome. The kid had an extensive repertoire to gain the attention and compliance of his parents. Among his behaviors was throwing a violent temper tantrum. When he attempted to use a temper tantrum to compel me to give him access to his Game Boy after he lost the privilege to play it I looked at him and calmly said: "I don't have to listen to this racket. I'll see you later when you are calm." Then, I simply walked out the door.

In this case the client's behavior was easily observed through a one-way mirror. He was dumbfounded. He really didn't know what to do next since without my attention all of his temper tantrum antics were totally wasted. He'd lost his audience. Pretty soon he settled down and found something else to do.

Parental Loss of Authority
In its concern to keep children safe from abuse the state authorities have dis-empowered parents. Parents have lost whatever authority they had in the past. Teachers have also lost nearly all their authority in the classroom. The result is constant disruption.

I can tell you right now that I do not condone verbal or physical violence of any kind towards anyone, child or adult. I also don't condone abusive, threatening and disrespectful behavior in children towards anyone else including towards their own parents or other adults.

VERBAL OR PHYSICAL ABUSE FROM YOUR CHILD IS NEVER JUSTIFIED AND SHOULD ALWAYS RESULT IN A CONSEQUENCE.
You will be happy to know that the state is especially vigilant about protecting children from physical abuse by counselors, teachers, social workers and anyone else in a professional position vis-a-vis working with children.

You can learn the very same techniques that experts in behavior use to maintain control and respect without resorting to verbal or physical abuse of any kind.

Here's My Number One Recommendation:
The first time a child attempts to use any of the behaviors I've listed for a temper tantrum you must stop at once and deal with the behavior. EVERYTHING STOPS! If you are driving your car and a child throws a temper tantrum - Pull over. Stop the car.

ANECDOTE:
I mentored a 200 pound non-verbal man who was diagnosed with mild MR and autism. When I was hired the supervisor told me that the client was prone to signing that he wanted a soda when traveling with counselors. If the client wasn't assured that he would get a soda his signing behavior escalated to hitting the driver.

Needless to say, being hit and grabbed by a 200 pound man while driving a vehicle was extremely dangerous. Sure enough, the first time I drove the client to his job he decided he wanted a soda. I told him, (he could hear perfectly), that we would stop for a soda after he completed his work. The client persisted with signing so I stopped the car and said :
"what about NO don't you understand? You will get a soda after work. If you ask me again we won't go to work and you won't get a soda at all. Do you understand?"

The client signed yes, he understood and signed let's go. So, I started the car and began driving the client to his job. He then began signing for a soda. I stopped the car again and said "You need to stop. Decide now to stop otherwise no soda and no work. Are you ready to go to work? Because, if you ask for a soda we are returning to the residence." We continued driving to work in complete silence.

If you are shopping and your child wants a treat that you've denied and escalates their behavior to an impending temper tantrum -Stop shopping. If necessary leave the cart in the aisle and escort the child out of the store. If my verbal techniques fail to stop the behavior you may have to cancel your shopping and drive home.

Whatever you do you must not give in to the child's demands. If you are at the movies or even just watching television and your child asks for a $7.50 box of popcorn and then throws a temper tantrum in the theater when you say "No", take the child out of the seating area and into the lobby. Use the phrases that have worked for me in the past. If the child continues to escalate their temper tantrum take the child home.

As I said, at the first sign of an impending temper tantrum EVERYTHING STOPS!

Here's My Number Two Recommendation:
EXPECT RESPECT - EXPECT COMPLIANCE!
You do not have to defend your decisions as a parent. Make no excuses and accept no excuses. Excuses are not solutions. That means do not yell or argue with your kids. You are the parent - your requests do not need to be justified or defended. New method parenting is BULL! Parenting is not a democratic process. It is a benevolent dictatorship until your child is mature enough to make wise decisions and has demonstrated that fact to your satisfaction.

It is your house - you pay the bills and you set the house rules. Don't apologize, don't capitulate to avoid a scene.
When your child grabs a treat off the shelf at the grocery store do not say:
"I'm sorry honey but we don't have enough money in our budget for honey-flopper toastit wappers (or whatever) so, would you put it back please?" Instead say: "Honey, you need to stop. Put it back right now or you can't shop with me."

If your child starts to argue, plead or whine say: "What did I just tell you?"If she responds that she should put it back (but hasn't) you say: "Then, do it" When she puts the treat back respond:"Thank you, you can continue to shop with me so long as you behave".

On the other hand if you've said "What did I just tell you?" and your child continues to argue, plead or whine or has a temper tantrum then respond: "You are not listening. I'm taking you home until you learn to do what you are told".

ACTION: Take her by the hand and leave the store. Do not listen to pleas or apologies once you leave the store. Just drive home. Yes, I know you may not have finished shopping and that is an inconvenience. In fact, you may have very little in the cupboard to feed your children supper. That is OK. Feed them a meager supper. If your child complains simply say:
"You are responsible, (child's name). We were unable to shop for supper today because you misbehaved in the store and I had to take you home."

There is a song with the refrain "It's cruel to be kind".It is true with child rearing as well as romantic relationships. Misapplied kindness and a lax approach to parenting is cruel to yourself and to your children. It leads them to believe that they can misbehave with no consequences. This is learned behavior and your kids learn it from your actions.

The good news is that you will not have to miss too many dinners before your children "get it".
Arguing or defending your decisions only weakens your position as the parent. When you permit your child to complain, plead, argue, criticize, re-negotiate consequences or place blame on others you are sending a message that places your child on an equal plane with you. You are giving your child all the power in the relationship.

Always remember: you are the parent. It is OK to say "because I said so".
Parenting is not a position of equality with your child. Family life is not and should not be conducted as a democracy except in inconsequential decisions like whether family members prefer KFC or pizza for Saturday night supper.

You are the responsible person. You are in charge. You set the rules. You know more than your child and it is your job to coach and instruct your child to take responsibility so that your child matures with wisdom and grace. Arguing with your child, complaining, blaming, whining, pleading, criticizing or justifying your actions when communicating with your child only weakens your role as the parent.

You can tell when you are becoming defensive when your tone of voice rises and you are beginning to feel angry or "triggered". Your first instinct is to defend yourself.
Don't bother. Simply provide direction to your child and, if necessary WALK AWAY!
Maintaining your "cool" despite lots of provocation is vital. When you lose your "cool", when you argue, yell and scream you send a message that you are out of control and that gives all the power to the child. It becomes a game with your child to see if they can provoke you to become "out of control".

I've written a follow up report called: "Temper Tantrums - What To Do When Nothing Else Works" You can read more at http://www.TransformKidsNow.com
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About the Author
David Davies is a Behavioral Health Professional who has worked with children and adults with behavior issues since he was 21. Recently, Dave wrote and recorded an audio course titled The Total Makeover Parenting System. Dave's course assesses parenting styles that simply don't work and provides effective alternatives. You can learn more at http://www.TransformKidsNow.com